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Personal Logs... 4-5


4) Death.


Death is unfortunately something I am not unfamiliar with.


I have watched friends commit suicide and overdose on drugs.


I saw a friend of mine get murdered right in front of me in Houston, Texas. An unknown person shot him in the head.


We never knew why the guy did it, and he was never caught. It was called a random act of violence.


I have danced with death many times in my life, overdosed, been stabbed, shot, beat half to death, and been left for dead. I survived two car wrecks only because I was drunk.


My face was perfectly imprinted on my Cutlass windshield, but the utility pole didn't move a millimeter.


So, yeah, I am pretty acquainted with death and how it can at once bring such sorrow and so much peace.


My wife's twin sister Tanya recently passed away, bringing her peace and us sorrow.


There has never been such pain, sadness, and loss in my life.


Since I didn't know Tanya that well, I was a bit confused by this.


However, I realized that I wasn't feeling my pain, my sorrow, or my loss, but Terri's, and it broke my heart.


This is something I have never experienced before. That kind of connection with someone is something I have never experienced before.


In retrospect, I didn't even realize I had it until it manifested with Terri.


5) Empathy.


Due to necessity, I keep my emotions in check. Throughout my life, I have learned not to make decisions based on emotion.


The ability to feel empathy for someone is something I never knew I possessed because I have never experienced it. At least not on this level.


I found it to be quite disturbing at first until I just let it in, stopped resisting it, and with it came a rock-hard resolve that made me strong enough to be the anchor Terri needed me to be.


I guess my point to this ramble is that sometimes things hit us hard, and we do not understand it, so we shy away in fear because it is new or uncomfortable.


That is how I felt at first with this but in my mind, it was a nudge because normally I would run for the hills from that powerful of emotion, it scares the hell out me.


But this nudge came with something else. A calmness that basically said, "open, this needs to happen not for you but for your wife."


Call it conscience, God, whatever you wish, I just know it didn't come from me.


Never before or since have I felt that powerful of emotion, but I know one thing for sure, I can still feel the calmness.


 

I am a realist, if something has not been proven and therefore not disproven either a possibility remains. As long as that possibility no matter how improbable it may seem or steeped in disbelief it may be, a true realist must accept the existence of God. ~Ghost



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