Question: What do I mean by "from the grey?"
I spent so much of my younger life, as do most of us, trying to figure out where I fit into the world, who I am, what is my reason for being here, that I missed or ignored all of the signs that I had that would have led me to what I wanted to know.
Yes, arrogance and narcissism played a major role in this scenario.
My whole mindset growing up was to experience everything that I could in this life with a very definite attraction towards intensity.
As an example, as a kid growing up out in the sticks, I had a fascination with electric fences once I knew they would not kill me.
After watching the livestock react to touching them, I had to know what that felt like, it wasn't an option, I was driven to experience what they felt from touching that fence.
So, I did, and it knocked me on my arse but good, let me tell ya!
It was literally like someone kicked my feet out from under me, I even looked behind me to see if someone was there.
It hurt, but it was also a fascinating enough sensation that I learned how to control the intensity until I could get the fascinating sensation without the pain.
I experimented on myself with various electrical devices at different intensities.
Side note: Now before people go thinking I was psycho the experimenting I did after learning how to manipulate the frequencies would really be no different than what people do with TENS units today. I guess I was ahead of my time but I was fortunate enough growing up to have had access to the full set of Encyclopedia Britanica and I read them.
Soon enough I grew bored with this experience and moved on to something else but there was always a go to for my burgeoning addiction to intensity and the adrenaline it releases.
Putting myself into dangerous situations, most people avoid them, I sought them out and this became part of who I was for most of my younger adult life as well, an adrenaline junky who saw death as just another experience waiting to be had.
The problem was that this need for intensity brought out the darkest side of my nature in a way that I never saw coming until it was too late.
I was too busy having fun and leaving a wake of destruction through every life I inserted myself into.
It got to the point that I had to disappear for a while, I was terrified of who I was becoming, and I didn't want to be around my family.
I had caused them enough pain and sadness with my BS, but I recognized that I was becoming dangerous, and that meant dangerous to my family.
Here is where things spin out of control for a few years.
I didn't run from this terrifying part of my nature; I explored it by putting myself into a situation that would allow me to do so.
All of those tales are in my "Memoires of Madness (PTSD)" that I am writing so I will not wander off on them right now.
Suffice it to say that the experience of exploring my dark side left me traumatized by what I had seen and done.
I learned exactly what I was capable of when there were no consequences for my actions, and it scarred my very soul even if I did not act on any of those thoughts.
I knew in my core that I was capable, and that disgusted me about myself, just the idea of it was enough to harden my resolve and keep it hardened so that I could maintain some foundation of humanity I could hopefully rebuild on.
The experiment also pushed the pendulum in the other direction before I reached the point of no return and surrendered to my base nature.
Once I was no longer under contract I left, and my focus turned towards religion and spirituality.
I have always been far too jaded of a person to get sucked into a cult or anything because I already knew the grifting game and had seen my fill of what living under collectivism does to the human spirit.
It crushes it, devours it slowly, painfully until the will to live turns into the simple will to survive another day.
I came to detest collectivism in all forms except where absolutely necessary such as the military.
Religions, cults, "movements", revolutions etc. all share the same fundamental core of collectivism, they cannot exist without it.
As I have explained in past scribbles, I do not have a problem with religions, I have a problem with collectivism.
I have not simply read about the horrors of communism, socialism and fascism which are all grounded in collectivism, I have seen it with my own eyes, smelt it and tasted it on the air as it burned my eyes.
My point is this; I did not swing anywhere near as far into my "light" side as I did my dark side because at that time my trust in humanity was gone, so was my trust in myself.
Sometimes understanding too much is just as bad as being ignorant to the world around you and ten times as lonely.
The biggest issue is that sooner or later people like me rub everyone the wrong way.
My mom calls us "sandpaper people" because we see the world and our fellow humans for exactly what they are, and we act and speak accordingly.
People don't like that; they want you to act and speak the way THEY think you should act and speak.
Yeah, I don't think so, people can either accept me for who I am, or they can stay the hell away from me, that is a choice THEY make, and I make it with people every day.
If I do not like being around you for some reason, I make a concerted effort to stay out of your company, I mean, why would I willingly subject myself to someone who irritates me, or subject them to me for that matter, I do the same thing with people I know don't like me, I stay away from them and avoid the drama.
Common sense, right?
Not in today's world, these sandpaper people today seek out those they irritate for no other reason than to irritate them as much as possible.
Or seek out people who annoy them just so they have something to be annoyed about.
You know it's true, look around.
I found out really quick that not all of course, but the vast majority of "religious" (I see a difference between religious people and people of faith) people I have spent significant time talking to can never understand my point of view because they are not listening to what I say to understand me, they are listening to decide what predetermined response to give.
I am not criticizing this, it is simply a fact because that is what ministers, and by proxy the congregation are instructed to do by the words of their deity usually in some form of text or a book of some sort detailing how the believers must live, think, and behave in order to gain that deities favor.
I am not saying there is anything wrong or right about any religion because the only way that I can see them is from a philosophical viewpoint, meaning the dependency on collectivism, which is and always has been a tool for control.
As I said, sometimes understanding too much...
My belief is that anything that brings people joy, contentment, and improves theirs lives without harming others cannot really be a bad thing, can it?
So, needless to say those routes were not really available to me.
I knew the scam, so a cult was out but honestly, there was a time that I considered starting my own, but it didn't last long because that would require me to stay put too long, allowing too many people into my sphere and that was unacceptable for several reasons.
So, the pendulum only swung about halfway to the other extreme for me.
This was because lacking a support structure such as a religion I turned to a practice, Buddhism, which means I turned to MYSELF to solve MY problem.
I took from Buddhism what I learned and began to expand into my own spiritual and philosophical journeys often times using controlled dose psylocibin.
I had already found God, what I needed to do was finish finding myself with Gods help.
The more I came to understand human behavior from reading Freud, Jung, Nietzsche and the other pioneers of psychology (something I was driven to do) I came to understand more, not less about the relationship between God and we humans.
Most people are on one side or the other, science or religion, I am not.
They both have their value for helping US understand the most overlooked and forgotten person we need to understand, ourselves.
As an example, I believe that the "big bang" and "creation" where the same thing.
Since neither science nor religion can explain anything beyond that point it seems rather asinine to me for people to be arguing about it.
There are no facts to support either position and yet this again, asinine in my opinion, argument has divided people as far back as written history goes and it has grown exponentially worse until science itself has become a religion that is challenging Deity based religions for supremacy.
This is a fact; all we have to do is look around us for Pete's sake.
All of the many epiphanies I experienced pushed me further and further to the center of the pendulum in not only my understanding of myself but the world as well.
I began to understand that the fundamental force holding the "universe" together is balance and that fundamentality extended throughout every aspect of existence because nothing would exist without it.
Balance is the addition or subtraction of weight or force on opposing sides to maintain equilibrium.
So, would the question not become 'who" or "what' is doing the adding and subtracting?
This inescapable fact hit my mind like a nudge that starts sliding many missing puzzle pieces into place allowing me to see more of the big picture than I thought possible.
All I had to do was compartmentalize my emotions (including my faith) from my logical thought processes, or in other words my emotions from my critical thinking.
This allowed me to learn how to "act" with critical thinking instead of "reacting" with an emotional response.
Before as with most people by habit it was the opposite most of my life, I was a highly emotional person which on review was the reason for the majority of my bad decisions in life.
So, I created this space (compartment) in my mind where I could do that, it was my grey area where I could most effectively use my grey matter focusing on fact, absolute reality.
This area is where all of my scribbles come from, all of my videos, they are representations of what I see when stripping away the emotional noise.
So, that is why I decided to call my website "From the Grey".
That is where I exist, in that grey area between the "dark" and "light" sides of my nature and that fact determines how I see and interact with the world and people around me.
I am far from alone either, there are millions of people like me to millions of different degrees.
They call us "conspiracy theorists".
We all live in the grey do we not?