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Personal Logs... 1-3

Updated: Apr 29, 2023


These are my personal thoughts, opinions and memories that all led to me being who I was meant to be, an observer and chronicler, a purveyor of information, nothing more, nothing less.

No particular topics, just whatever I have on my mind at the time.

Consider my ramblings (and I will ramble) a glimpse into my psyche, a clarification if you will into how I think.

Which I never stop doing.

Might get a little deep because with no arrogance intended, I live on a different level than most people do, but I am far from special as I am also far from alone.

People like to call us "conspiracy theorists" but my definition of a "conspiracy theorist" is as follows.

"Someone who is paying a whole lot more attention to what is going on in this world than YOU are."


1) Hmmm, I guess with everything there must be a downside.

My PTSD induced social anxiety disorder is going to be tested to the max by getting involved with these communities, including the Highland Games and Renaissance Fair. However, I am looking forward to getting involved with all of these activities.

I can feel its cold claws scratching at the doors of my mind just thinking about it.

It has been my tendency for many years now not to do well in crowds of strangers. If it is inside sometimes it matters not if I know them, or I don't.

Outside in the open, I am much better at handling crowds.

In my experience, I know what it is like to be caught in a crowd of panicked people, and I am blessed to have survived it.

An absolute feeling of helplessness as you are pushed along by the crowds. Sometimes it still haunts my dreams, that feeling...

After scratching and clawing my way to the top of people, crawling over them, and scaling barriers, I reached the top.

There can be no doubt that I hurt many people in the process, since I was in a panic as well, and the only thing on my mind was, "I have to get out of here!"

Once I was out, I didn't stop running until I was in the car and headed home.

Luckily no one died, but that feeling of being trapped, in a panic, sunk down somewhere deep inside me and took root and it refuses to leave.

Since I have acknowledged it now, I am in the midst of yet another mental civil war.

Is it possible for me to overcome the cold numbing tendrils of apprehension and fear?

Or will I let them drag me back into despair and loneliness?

My nature has almost become reclusive since becoming disabled, so this will be my first real test in a very long time.

Recently, a few road trips reminded me that darkness still lurks.

Over the course of my absence, I sweated uncontrollably, my blood pressure was high, and I couldn't sleep.

Despite my reluctance to admit it, I know what it is.

The only thing I know for sure is that I will try, because I am exhausted of being alone, even when I am surrounded by people.

2) My hardcore realism, which I had even as a teenager, has always made me feel like an outsider, I have never fit in and if I am honest with myself, I rather preferred it that way.

Less distractions, more time to think.

This is not something I put there; it comes naturally to me, and I have accepted it for a long time.

I have also accepted the fact that I am an extremely abrasive person to people who live in a manufactured reality, because I live in actual reality, I have no delusions or illusions about who I am and what I am capable of, what my faults and weaknesses are which means I have proven everything to myself I was ever in need of.

Because of this, I see this world exactly as it is.

Since I have studied human behavior in depth over the years, its predictability, its ability to be manipulated, I see its inhabitants as exactly what they are as well, their base nature, not the masks they have created for themselves.

I can assure you that people can feel it, that you see through them, and it causes them great discomfort. Anyone out there like me knows what I am talking about.

People will sometimes avoid you without ever speaking a word to you as a result of this.

The experience has fascinated me, but also left me feeling a little bummed at times to be honest.

But, due to the life, I have lived, I know who I am, whereas most people don't because they are too attached to their manufactured image of themselves, and they never been tested until the true them comes out.

In a nutshell, life is not the way it is because of who I am, I am who I am because of life.

For most it is the other way around.

Most people have never had their resolve tested until they thought they would break; they have never gone hungry, thirsty, been homeless, or spent time in prison or jail.

Due to all of these things having happened to me in my lifetime, it is inevitable that my character and nature will differ from those who haven't.

My opinion is that this is another constant in our lives that prevents us from migrating into a better way of thinking.

Most, but not all, people tend to judge others based on their own standards.

"In other words, how do they compare to me?".

Nevertheless, this is a ruse, a false trail, since you can't compare yourself with others if you don't know who you are.

As a result, you are judging other people based on a lie you yourself are living.

As a result, arrogance develops, and arrogance develops into narcissism.

3) People hate people like me because of what we represent, not what we say.

We represent their ignorance, their arrogance, their narcissism, and their errors.

This is why they hate us; they live in a delicate bubble, and we are sharp objects.

People are put off by this aspect of my character since they feel it threatens the stability of that manufactured reality.

Due to the reality, I live in, I do threaten their manufactured reality in many ways.

You know who else lives here: evil people and the government, and because your reality exists within their reality, they control yours.

I recognize that the concept of a reality within which yours exists is very difficult to grasp for most people, but if you doubt my words.

Get on the wrong side of the legal system, and you will quickly learn how little your manufactured reality actually means in the bigger picture.

I believe that the misled masses truly believe that there is no reality but the one they create for themselves.

This belief was programmed into them, in my opinion.

We hear it all the time that perception is reality, but that couldn't be further from the truth.

Imagine for a moment if they the misled masses, would stop and realize all of these outside forces that are messing up their lives are doing so without their knowledge or control.

In other words, outside of their manufactured reality which means that there is undeniably another reality that theirs exists within.

This terrifies people but the moment they realize how they have been manipulated, lied to and used in this other world, it would only take them seconds, a blink of an eye for them to realize how they have been used.

Then comes the questions that fall on deaf ears, the rage, and then outrage of the misled masses, the revolt would be epic, and all of this chaos would start returning to more manageable levels after the fallout.

I truly believe based on a substantial knowledge of history that our current reality will end in a repeat of the darkest days humanity has ever experienced, but only God knows just how much worse it will be this time around.

But the battle is not yet lost because this victory will not come to the tyrants through force of will.

It will come through the surrender of those who do nothing.

It is truly astonishing that so simple an action could save us from the horrors of returning to the tyranny of the 19th and 20th centuries.

Acknowledging that you are wrong. It could not be any simpler than that.

Future generations hang precariously on the hope that Narcissists will see their error and join our fight.

This is a frightening thought, since the results will be the same regardless of whether there is intent, ignorance, or even worst, "willful ignorance", which is living in denial.

Neither in America nor in my lifetime did I think the human species would ever go down this road again, but I cannot deny it anymore, not for many years.

In spite of the differences in tactics, the core methodology remains the same as it was under Hitler and other tyrants.

That is not my opinion, it is historical fact anyone can find with minimal effort but they best hurry...

This is the reasoning behind my slogan.

"To question what those in power are doing is not political, it is an act of self-preservation.


Until one sees what I have seen, feels what I have felt, learns all that I have learned, and does all that I have done, how can one preposterously claim to know my thoughts or feelings on anything? ~Ghost

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